The Keikaku (translator's note: Keikaku means plan) of Haruhi Suzumiya
by tersecorgi40
Summary: A story written 1 chapter at a time with a mate. We wrote this taking turns writing chapters. We hate it Why did we make this?
1. Chapter 1

One day Kyon woke up in the Clubroom. Looking up from his resting place on his desk he sees the usual sights: computer, Yuki reading... some book or another, and the coffee cup that had helped him through many tough times. Stirring and stretching he greeted Yuki before Shaking off his weariness and looking out of the window; noticing, to his disdain, that traces of the spray on snow from last christmas were still there , despite many attempts with a cloth and spray.

TEHN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE DOOR GOT BUSTED DOWN, "HERE'S YOUR MAIN WAIFU BICH" HARUHI HOLLERED JUMPING A METER INTO THE AIR, STRAIGHT THROUGH THE CEILING AND CAME BACK TO LAND KYON IN A PERFECT PILEDRIVER.

"Good thing that never happened" thought Kyon (not having been piledriven through the floor) He was perturbed from his day dream by a loud crashing sound.

TEHN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE DOOR GOT BUSTED DOWN, "HERE'S YOUR MAIN WAIFU BICH" HARUHI HOLLERED JUMPING A METER INTO THE AIR, STRAIGHT THROUGH THE CEILING AND CAME BACK TO LAND KYON IN A PERFECT PILEDRIVER.

"Good thing that never happened" thought Kyon (not having been piledriven through the floor) He was perturbed from his day dream by a loud crashing sound.

TEHN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE DOOR GOT BUSTED DOWN, "HERE'S YOUR MAIN WAIFU BICH" HARUHI HOLLERED JUMPING A METER INTO THE AIR, STRAIGHT THROUGH THE CEILING AND CAME BACK TO LAND KYON IN A PERFECT PILEDRIVER. But this time she was wearing red socks.

"Good thing that never happened" thought Kyon (not having been piledriven through the floor) He was perturbed from his day dream by a loud crashing sound.

"YOU GET THE JOKE NOW!" Explained Haruhi, to no-one.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

What was happening? Thought Kyon as it appeared that his mind was locked in some kind of loop. If this was anything like that endless summer again, he would've wanted to go back in time then and there, undoing that decision to stay in this painful universe with this tricky girl.

Then all of a sudden the door got busted down, "H-" but this time it was not finished as Yuki suddenly leapt from her seat towards the club leader and bit into her, knocking her out cold.

"Kyon-kun." She muttered quietly, "I have injected her with a drug that will remove her memory of that." With that, she moved over to the shelf to reach over to a book that Kyon had never seen before. This particular book, or rather tome, with a dusty looking thing that had likely not been opened since the 1980s and on the cover was a strange symbol of what appeared to be a wheel. "Here." She said, handing over the book.

"What's this supposed to be?" He asked, blowing the dust from the cover. Now he could make out the faint words _Speedwagon Foundation._ "Huh? That American oil company, what does that have to do with Haruhi?" Opening it up, he found a page that had been bookmarked for him that read _Standu Power_. As he scanned through the chapter, it seemed to be about some kind of power that came from within a person, manifesting as a supernatural ability perceived only by others with another one of these so-called "Stands". Groaning, he handed the book back to Yuki, "...aliens, time travellers, espers...stands...seems like Haruhi's getting bored again and I'll have to be the one to deal with it."

Without answering, Yuki placed the book back on the shelf just as Koizumi entered the room with a broad smile as he bowed, entering alongside a stranger. "Pardon me for being late, but I wanted to introduce this interesting new transfer student to you all. His name is…

 _ **Dio Brando."**_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Yes

"Why do they always make anime that's more realistic than my life nowadays" Kyon sighs as he awakens, accidently retconning the previous chapter.

"The morning of December sixteen.

It was so cold, and I mean cold, that if you took an ice pick and plunged it into the ground, you'd shatter the earth into a million pieces." muttered Kyon, thinking aloud.

"Kyon-Kun!" came a familiar wail from the kitchen. Realising he was already dressed for some reason, he opened the door to the kitchen to see his sister crouching on a chair. "Why does she sit like that? Maybe her butt hurts... from what." He pondered before shrugging and returning to the toast currently being buttered. "Hey Kyon-KUNN" wailed Kyons sister. Shocked by the less than usual double N he startled, turning around slowly to see a strange black apparition manifest above his (unnamed) Sister. "N-Nani" stammered out the terrified Kyon. "Ha you have fallen into my trap young Kyon" Came a deep bellowing voice from his Sister. "YOU SEE YOU ARE IN A DREAM RIGHT NOW! THIS IS MY STANDS ABILITY [SUPER DRIVERU!].


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4: Kyon is not crash

Backed against a wall, Kyon had nowhere to run as sweat began to dribble down from his brow. Even if somehow made it out of this alive, the world was changing at an alarming rate if these mysterious Stand Users were suddenly cropping up all over the place, that meant there was a risk of it all being destroyed and remade as they feared.

What the hell was he thinking about? Forget Haruhi, his own sister was trying to kill him! Right now he needed to get away from her and find a way to counter this mysterious new power of hers.

Leaping forward, Kyon barged his sister into the wall as her tiny frame collapsed to the ground, but it was only a temporary setback for her given her new resilience from being a Stand User. Yet the attack was just enough for him to free himself from this little witch's clutches, giving him enough time to retreat to his room, slamming the door behind him. Quickly, Kyon began stuffing boxes against the door in order to block it as he tried to think of a plan to get out of this situation.

So he thought.

Suddenly the window behind him shattered from an invisible force that carried Kyon's sister into the room. "Kyooooon-kun! Did you really think you could flee from my 「SUPER DRIVERU」!?"

This was it. After all he had survived, his _imouto_ would be the one to kill him.

"Don't give up!" A hoarse, elderly voice called at him as a mysterious projectile suddenly flew into Kyon's neck, knocking him back.

...it was some kind of arrow? Yet there seemed to be no real wound from it and it healed as soon as Kyon removed it from his neck. That was most certainly not normal, but he had even more questions when he saw the source it came from.

"Sh-Shamisen!?" He called out to their pet cat who managed to throw the arrow despite not having thumbs to be able to hold it with. Now in front of him, he could see what look like a small, pink kids' toy floating by his sister's side.

"Kyon-kun!" She cried out again, laughing, "Do you think whatever measly power a weak, pitiful, unremarkable light novel protagonist like you holds could stand up to my power?" Gulping, Kyon knew she was right. He knew that he was nothing special, no esper, no alien, no time traveller, just a normal human that happened to be chosen by an extraordinary person. There was nothing special about him.

 _No._

He had to do this. He had risked so much for Haruhi, he wouldn't give up now!

" _ **「**_ _ **X GON GIVE IT TO YA!**_ _ **」"**_


	5. Chapter 5

The chapter where Mikuru Fucking Dies

A flash of light rippled through the house causing all in the vicinity to cover their eyes for fear of permanent blindness. Unshielding his ocular protection Kyon found himself in the exact same situation, with a small exemption. The floor now pulsed Red and blue strobe lights and an odd spinning disc was hanging from the ceiling. "Huh" sighed Kyons Sister "That was a waste of my time, oh well." Reaching forwards with that knife she carries in her shoe she attempted to slash Kyon, only to find the blade passing straight through his body. "Masaka" she exclaimed. With a knife stuck halfway through his body Kyon laughed, "This is my stands abilty you fuckmuncher." Kyon walked forward in a way that would turn a straight man gay on the spot, before pirouetting on a single foot, landing on two feet with his finger pointed squarely at his very confused imouto. "That was the gayest thing I've eve-" His sister was cut off by a clenching pain in her heart, forcing her onto one leg. "My stando turns both of us completely incorporeal, meaning we must battle entirely through the medium of dance!"

"No way.. I refuse" indignantly spat his sister.

"So be it" smugly snarked a sparkling Kyon, as he began strafing to the side, performing push away motions with his hands, before landing in a pose so flamboyant a certain speedwagon would be impressed. "NO-NOOOOOOOO" Screamed his battered sister as all function in her heart stopped, Killing her within seconds. "Heh, guess you just got Kyo-owned." snarked Kyon, As horatio's theme screeched in the background.

Also Mikuru died of a heart attack in an unrelated way 30 minutes later.


	6. Chapter 6

Mikuru the White Returns

"You're lucky that I have my connections with _The Organization_. It really would have been a problem for Suzumiya-san if you had been arrested for murder." Koizumi offered a smile to Kyon as the two of them threw a rolled up carpet into the furnace behind the school.

Dusting themselves off, they squatted by the furnace wondering how they'd explain what happened to anyone. Just then, Koizumi's phone began to ring. "Ah, sorry. I better take this." He lifted his phone to his ear after pressing the _accept call_ button. "Koizumi speaking." At this point he seemed to fall silent, his brow becoming unusually furrowed and this was a sight that Kyon was afraid to see. Whenever the always level-headed esper looked like this, something was wrong.

"...why was I not told that she had been...yes, I know about Kyon being…" He eyed him before cutting himself short, "A heart attack. Just like the DARPA Chief." With that he hung up the phone, looking solemnly over to Kyon.

"That was Asahina-san. She had a heart attack because she couldn't cope with how convoluted the plot of Metal Gear Solid was." He sighed, but his expression quickly changed. "She died, technically speaking, but thankfully they managed to start her heart again." With that he stood up, holding his hand as for some reason a taxi stopped in the middle of the school and the pair of them got in.

During the journey, the two of them hardly spoke. Or rather, Koizumi tried to make conversation with Kyon, but his mind was focused on Mikuru's current state, worrying about what had happened to her. No one should be allowed to play Metal Gear Solid unsupervised, he thought to himself, the Diet had passed that law a month ago. "That dense idiot…" he muttered to himself.

When they arrived, they found the hospital was in complete and utter chaos.

"Miss, you can't-"

They arrived to the sight of Haruhi Suzumiya wheeling Mikuru's bed at the hospital (with her crying on top of it) as she raced to the exit, "There's no time! We have an important SOS Brigade meeting and anyone who misses it will be given the death penalty!" She demanded as she saw Kyon and Koizumi arrive.

Shaking his head, Kyon ran after them while Koizumi tried to defuse the situation at the hospital. It seemed like everything was back to how it normally was, apart from the fact that he had just murdered his own sister. Now it was time to return to the club room and see what crazy scheme that girl had cooked up next.


	7. Chapter 7

My little Mikuru can't possibly be this dead!

Arriving at the school, Kyon looked left to see the rest of the 'gang run up the stairs carrying the, still convulsing, body of Mikuru along with them. Kyon sighed before going off to join them. As he rushes up the stairs he sees Haruhi attempting to open the door to their clubroom. "Allow me Suzumiya-san" white-kighted Koizumi, using his ESP gene enhanced legs to dropkick the door. Without waiting for him to get up Haruhi rushed in, trampling over Koizumi in her rush to do... something! Throwing Mikuru on the nearest table Haruhi rushed to her computer in a sort of frenzy. "Hold it Haruhi what are you plotting?" shouted Kyon approaching from behind her. Looking over at her screen, Kyon gasped. "Wh-Why did you Google That?!"

"That could get the school in major trouble you fucking idiot!" Haruhi just smirker before forming a gendo pose and exclaiming "Just according to Keikaku." Suddenly they heard the door being kicked in the police as Chris Hansen walked by the open door of their clubroom. "Excuse me, do you know where the computer club in this school is?"

"E-Eh?" stammered Kyon as Haruhi confidently instructed him to the Computer club clubroom. "What are yo-" Haruhi raised her finger to cut him off as she saw the computer club president being carried down the hallway by Chris, the presidents ear in hand.

"What was that about?" Kyon asked Haruhi. " Well the way i see it we just got ALOT more computers from the Computer Club."

"...So?"

"You ever hear of coin Kyon? People can make a fortune off of that shit." Haruhi said bursting out her chest in pride. "Do you even have a clue as to how that works?" Kyon asked interrogativly.

"Nope!"

"Sigh, let's just get on with it"

"You're in charge of Hooking up all those computers Kyon."

Bored of all the pointless dialouge Mikuru decided to end her misery by throwing herself into the Club meat grinder, grinding her down to the sub-atomic level. Meanwhile the camera zooms in on the computer revealing the search term "Season 3 never"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 25: The Revenge

When Kyon awoke the next morning, he found himself unable to move. While he was in his own bed, leather straps had been fastened all around him and the scent of blood filled the air. "Wh-what...what the fuck!?" Kyon cried out as footsteps began to approach him.

A strange old caucasian woman with breasts as big as her head and hair as grey as Harvey Weinstein's future slowly walked into the room. "Ah...you're awake. My name is Slaweel Ryam." She introduced herself to him as a wicked grin played around her lips, "Good morning, Kyon-kun...or should I say...Kyon-chan?"

From her pocket she produced a mirror, but faltered before handing it to him. "I know...you want to know how long it's been. I'm afraid it's been...9 years."

Slaweel held the mirror in front of his face and what Kyon saw back left him in silence. He was...not himself anymore. Instead he was a rather large chested teenage girl with a star shaped mole on his chest...he was...no, that was impossible. His face, his entire body was that of Mikuru Asahina. "Who...who are you? What do you want with me?" He demanded, trying to shake himself free.

But Slaweel simply cackled at him, "Try to struggle as much as you like, my dear, my Jerkops are waiting outside." At that, she began to give an exposition dump for the confused Mikyon. "9 years ago, the autistic mayor of CWCville, Chris-chan, declared war on Japan in order to kill Haruhi Suzumiya. He believed that she was responsible for killing his waifu." She handed Mikyon a photograph of Chris-chan, "Haruhi Suzumiya is not the only one with those powers. Chris-chan has the power to turn everyone he hates into villains. We had no choice but to take you into hiding and give you a new appearance in order to hide you as he believes you are Haruhi's co-conspirator." She explained.

Still struggling, Mikyon cried out, "Where is she!? Is she still alive!?"

"Haruhi Suzumiya is missing." Slaweel said.


	9. Chapter 9

Haruhi one more final (I need you)

"Why? Why are we still here? Just to suffer?" pondered Mikyon, Squirming on her bed .

"Are you sure that I exist?" came a deadpan voice from behind Mikyon.

"Am I not merely the Yuki that exists inside your mind?"

"Then am I not the Kyon that exists inside yours?"

"No, because this part made no sense and you know it."

"Huh?"

"Sorry, you're fired. Release the story now and axe the ending" Came a voice from on high.

As Kyon lay face up on the bloody ground. He saw a overly large face appear in the sky, It was bearded, and wore a pair of rectangular glasses.

"A-Anno?"

"Come my son, we must leave, to where we are needed most."

But before Anno could explain what he meant, he suddenly melted away with the rest of the surroundings as Mikyon found herself surrounded by all her friends.

"Congratulations." Said Haruhi.

"Congratulations." Said Mikuyu.

"Congratulations." Said Yuki.

"Congratulations." Said Koizumi.

"Congratulations." Said Kyon's sister, still dead.

"Congratulations." Said Rei.

"Congratulations." Said that one Butler from the murder mystery plot line.

"That's stupid, You're stupid, Anime's stupid fuck you." You angrily screamed. After realising that you just spent a part of your life reading this piece of shit

"Dear reader." A voice called out from above. "I will reset the universe to where it belongs." This voice belonged to Haruhi, as she BUSTED DOWN THE DOOR, "HERE'S YOUR MAIN WAIFU BICH" HARUHI HOLLERED JUMPING A METER INTO THE AIR, STRAIGHT THROUGH THE CEILING AND CAME BACK TO LAND KYON IN A PERFECT PILEDRIVER just as Kyon was using Haruhi's used underwear in a way that's too inappropriate to be described on . Not even with a M rating, that's how fucked up it was.

"I'm so fucked up." Kyon said as he looked at the yogurt on his hand.

THE END


End file.
